Pressure

When I was hired I got my job without a drug test.  Now, with a promotion I get to take the test that I should have taken before I ever started.  So, without any preparation for such a test I went into it for what I thought was going to be super easy...um, no.  Apparently the pressure stopped me from being able to perform such a simple task.  Not only did I feel that pressure once, but the young woman said if I gave it another try with 3 cups of water I could try again in an hour.  It was even worse the second time.  I guess as I've gotten older and away from the childbearing years the thought of the cup has lessened and now when I'm required to give a sample I can't.  The room was too sterile and cold.  The test was timed and now with that information I can prepare for another go at it tomorrow.  I had to reschedule.  My boss is gonna love that.  Now when I go to work I'll take more water and time it so that I have to go.  It is funny how pressure mentally can affect the body.  I've never given it much thought until today.  I always thought it was easy to separate the two but now I'm beginning to see that things are more complicated than that.  Amazing the things we can learn about ourselves when it comes to something so simple.

A Leap of Faith

Over 20 years ago I worked for a convenience store.  I obtained the title of assistant manager before I left to pursue motherhood.  Now, in a twist of what I thought my future would be it looks as though I will be receiving a promotion at my current retail job.  I am nervous but I believe I will do a good job.  I am leaving part time behind and moving on to full time with benefits.  With only one child at home, a senior no less, it's time to think about what I want my future to look like.  Now is the time for me to start figuring out what is best for my sweetheart and me.  I'm in unchartered territory but my sweetheart has helped me already to see that what happened in the past is different than now and I can overcome the trauma of my last leadership position.  I've been holding onto it for far too long and it's time to let it go.  So the outgoing boss has put my promotion paperwork in and I'll get an increase in pay and start training.  I'm eager to see where this takes me.  It's like Dave Ramsey says..if you work hard, someday, someone will take notice of the kind of work you do and you will be rewarded for it.  Looks like another great piece of advice from Mr. Ramsey.  I hope to be the best at what I'm signing up to do.  Watch out...here I come! 

Identity

I went to see a movie last night with my sweetheart of 21 years and our 16 yr old son.  It was a good movie but not one I would have thought would be something I would have thought funny or worth my time.  I'm pretty particular about the types of movies I see.  It was after the movie, on the car ride home, that a thought occurred to me.  I was thinking about how much my identity has been wrapped up in my children over 20 years and how hard it was to have that ripped away from me last year.  They were like my security blankets and gave my life structure and purpose.  They were my routine.  As they were growing up I was so busy working and earning a living when they became teenagers I never prepared for their departures.  With my Songbird gone the Gamer is next.  I hope I fare better when he leaves then when she did.  I hope the people he listens to are a better caliber of people than the ones who advised her out of the nest.  I now realize that both the Songbird and Gamer need to be away from me and stretch their wings and grow.  I realize that I will have a new security blanket with me.  A little older, a little grayer but one that loves me and has been with me for the past 21 years.  I'll grow old with him until one of us is taken away by death.  My identity will be different and that's ok.  It's just about recognizing the changes and making them ok instead of overreacting as I've seen others do.  

Another Run In

We had another run in with our 16 year old this morning just after 2 am.  He believes as a 16 year old senior he is entitled to be out as late as he wants and we have no right to say anything about that.  I did not grow up with parents so lenient.  As arguments with teenagers often do it turned ugly quick.  We live in a small town where "bad things don't happen."  He claims he wants to be a statistic so that people will say something happens here.  His words were hurtful and offensive to me.  He is defensive about where he goes, what he does, and how long he's there.  I'm getting tired of being a punching bag.  I started to cry and he stood there and said nothing.  Earlier he said he wasn't going to stay past graduation.  It's an emotional threat made on the heels of the traumatic way his sister moved out last summer.  He said I changed.  Of course I changed.  I was in the middle of Wyoming when I got the call about an empty room and a note left behind.  I don't know what it is about me as a mom but my kids can't wait to leave the home we provide for them.  I've heard stories about other kids who won't leave and mine, with no plans whatsoever, can't hit the door fast enough.  I don't know what I did to deserve this level of disrespect from them.  I tried my very best but somewhere along the way they've decided that they can do it on their own and are hellbent to prove it even if it hurts me.  How am I supposed to deal with that?

Rethinking Things

Since I got back home from a recent trip to Colorado I've been rethinking some important things in my life.  While I was there I had a relationship go south in a pretty major way.  Where I once thought I was on solid ground it turns out I may just have been on quicksand the whole time.  Now, it's given me time to pause and reflect on some things that were said.  In consideration of this I am moving on from a strained, painful past.  It's time for me to put down the ugly bag of garbage that I still seem to want to carry.  I've tried, in my own way, to move on.  Seems when I least expect it something can happen and all those old feelings come back to the surface.  Time to let it go.  I realize now that some people will never change, including me it seems, and some people will carry the water of other people.  There's no sugar coating this fact.  My grandfather used to say "spots on a leopard don't change."  While I can't change completely I can lessen the spots until they fade.  Maybe if I set down the bag I can move past it and be able to survive intact when people want to drag me into conversations that are better left alone.  It's time...past time for me to let this go.  Enough already...

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day.  In the past it's always meant barbecues and a day off.  However, this year I have been thinking a lot about my father in law and his brother.  My father in law went to Vietnam and his brother passed away in World War II while serving in the Navy when the ship he was on sank while at sea.  He was very young and while I obviously didn't know him I appreciate his sacrifice while serving his nation.  I thank all our veterans for their service.  Memorial Day means so much more than barbecues and the start of summer.  May each of us take a moment to be thankful for the wonderful men and women who have sacrificed so much for so many.  Thank God for those who believe in America and her freedom and liberty whom have made the ultimate sacrifice.  Happy Memorial Day!

Check Writers

So I'm at work and this elderly woman comes to the counter.  I ring her purchases and ask the appropriate questions, i.e. Did she find everything she was looking for, and would she like a bag, etc. I total her transaction and she starts to write out her check.  First, most people never have a pen and naturally assume it's something that I should provide them because they came into our store.  She was such a person. Then I noticed she was writing on the front of her check the information I needed to put into the register.  This creates an additional step as I try to explain that the check is put upside and I am unable to see what's written on it.  I asked for indentification only to have her make a catty comment which I didn't hear.  I quickly put in the information from the ID she presented, thanked her, and moved on to the next transaction.  However, I believe that if you write out a check it is ypur responsibility to cooperate with the cashier and not be rude or snippy.  There is no call for that.  Unfortunately I have taken many comments from some pretty ignorant people and since they come into our store daily they realize the procedures and are only trying to tick me off.  If you're gonna write a check don't be an ass about it.  Blame the company and not the cashier...

Have a good night!