Pressure

When I was hired I got my job without a drug test.  Now, with a promotion I get to take the test that I should have taken before I ever started.  So, without any preparation for such a test I went into it for what I thought was going to be super easy...um, no.  Apparently the pressure stopped me from being able to perform such a simple task.  Not only did I feel that pressure once, but the young woman said if I gave it another try with 3 cups of water I could try again in an hour.  It was even worse the second time.  I guess as I've gotten older and away from the childbearing years the thought of the cup has lessened and now when I'm required to give a sample I can't.  The room was too sterile and cold.  The test was timed and now with that information I can prepare for another go at it tomorrow.  I had to reschedule.  My boss is gonna love that.  Now when I go to work I'll take more water and time it so that I have to go.  It is funny how pressure mentally can affect the body.  I've never given it much thought until today.  I always thought it was easy to separate the two but now I'm beginning to see that things are more complicated than that.  Amazing the things we can learn about ourselves when it comes to something so simple.

A Leap of Faith

Over 20 years ago I worked for a convenience store.  I obtained the title of assistant manager before I left to pursue motherhood.  Now, in a twist of what I thought my future would be it looks as though I will be receiving a promotion at my current retail job.  I am nervous but I believe I will do a good job.  I am leaving part time behind and moving on to full time with benefits.  With only one child at home, a senior no less, it's time to think about what I want my future to look like.  Now is the time for me to start figuring out what is best for my sweetheart and me.  I'm in unchartered territory but my sweetheart has helped me already to see that what happened in the past is different than now and I can overcome the trauma of my last leadership position.  I've been holding onto it for far too long and it's time to let it go.  So the outgoing boss has put my promotion paperwork in and I'll get an increase in pay and start training.  I'm eager to see where this takes me.  It's like Dave Ramsey says..if you work hard, someday, someone will take notice of the kind of work you do and you will be rewarded for it.  Looks like another great piece of advice from Mr. Ramsey.  I hope to be the best at what I'm signing up to do.  Watch out...here I come! 

Identity

I went to see a movie last night with my sweetheart of 21 years and our 16 yr old son.  It was a good movie but not one I would have thought would be something I would have thought funny or worth my time.  I'm pretty particular about the types of movies I see.  It was after the movie, on the car ride home, that a thought occurred to me.  I was thinking about how much my identity has been wrapped up in my children over 20 years and how hard it was to have that ripped away from me last year.  They were like my security blankets and gave my life structure and purpose.  They were my routine.  As they were growing up I was so busy working and earning a living when they became teenagers I never prepared for their departures.  With my Songbird gone the Gamer is next.  I hope I fare better when he leaves then when she did.  I hope the people he listens to are a better caliber of people than the ones who advised her out of the nest.  I now realize that both the Songbird and Gamer need to be away from me and stretch their wings and grow.  I realize that I will have a new security blanket with me.  A little older, a little grayer but one that loves me and has been with me for the past 21 years.  I'll grow old with him until one of us is taken away by death.  My identity will be different and that's ok.  It's just about recognizing the changes and making them ok instead of overreacting as I've seen others do.